I Wish I Could Help My Child or Teenager But They Just Won't Talk To Me And Even When They Do, They Won't Listen To Me!

A common reason why parents often bring their child or teenager to therapy is because the parents are concerned, the child or teenager isn't talking or listening, and maybe they'll talk to someone who is more neutral.

While the intention of this act is positive, it is often a band-aid solution to the underlying the problem, the communication within the parent-child relationship is ineffective and unproductive. In my sessions with children, I often include parents in the therapy work because effective communication is at the heart of every successful parent-child relationship.

As a psychologist, I have learned that the way we talk with our children can greatly influence their behaviour and emotional health. This realisation brings me to two crucial books that which I came across during my early clinical training: How to Talk so Kids Will Listen and Listen so Kids Will Talk by Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish, and its sequel, How to Talk so Teens Will Listen and Listen so Teens Will Talk.

I don't think of these books as parenting books but rather books teaching effective communication with our young people.

Resetting the standard of communication with our children

The first book, How to Talk so Kids Will Listen and Listen so Kids Will Talk, offers practical strategies for communicating with young children. Faber and Mazlish combine years of experience in parenting and communication, helping parents navigate daily conversations effectively.

The authors provide various techniques, such as:

• Validating Feelings: Instead of dismissing a child's feelings, parents can acknowledge them. For example, if a child is upset because a friend did not invite them to a party, saying "It sounds like you're really sad that your friend didn't invite you" shows empathy.

• Expressing Expectations Clearly: Parents can reframe directives into collaborative requests. Instead of saying, "Pick up your toys now!", they might say, "Let's work together to clean up the toys in 5 minutes."

  
  

The emphasis on active listening is particularly striking; the book teaches that understanding our children is as crucial as asserting our authority. A study revealed that children who feel understood are 70% more likely to express their feelings openly, leading to stronger emotional resilience.

This book's structure allows each chapter to focus on different communication techniques, filled with relatable stories and practical role-playing scenarios. I appreciated how the authors break down techniques into actionable steps that anyone can apply in everyday interactions with children in their lives.

Delving into the Teen Years

In their sequel, How to Talk so Teens Will Listen and Listen so Teens Will Talk, Faber and Mazlish refine their methods to meet the specific challenges of communicating with teenagers. The teen years are often a rollercoaster, filled with emotional ups and downs for both adolescents and parents.

This book retains core principles from the first but adapts them to acknowledge teens' growing desire for independence and self-identity. The authors provide realistic strategies, such as:

• Encouraging Open Dialogue: Emphasising that judgment can shut down conversations. Instead, parents can ask open-ended questions like, "What do you think about this situation?" to promote discussion and emotional safety.

  
  

• Balancing Guidance with Space: It's important for parents to give teens room to explore and make decisions while being available for support. For instance, if a teen is wrestling with a tough decision, a parent might say, "I'm here to listen if you want to talk about it."

  
  

Including real-life scenarios can be immensely helpful. For example, if a teenager faces peer pressure about substance use, employing non-judgmental language can lead to a productive and effective conversation. By fostering a supportive environment, parents can significantly reduce the likelihood of risky behaviours, with studies indicating that teens who communicate openly with their parents are 50% less likely to engage in substance abuse.

Final Thoughts

Both How to Talk so Kids Will Listen and Listen so Kids Will Talk and How to Talk so Teens Will Listen and Listen so Teens Will Talk are invaluable resources for parents who want to enhance their communication skills. Faber and Mazlish’s insights are practical and rooted in empathy, addressing the emotional landscape of children and teens effectively.

These books have profoundly impacted my journey as child and adolescent psychologist, providing essential tools that extend beyond simple communication. If you are a parent or caregiver seeking effective strategies to strengthen your connection with your children, I recommend exploring these works. Improved communication can lead to healthier family dynamics, where we not only hear our children but also understand their needs and feelings.